Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
