i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk is not a location!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
