I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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