I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
