Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
