the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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