I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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