Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
