I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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