I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
