I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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