Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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