Porn is love you can see.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
