Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
