Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
