I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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