The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cannot find my penis.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
