Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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