I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
