Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
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My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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