Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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