she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
