Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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