3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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