Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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