he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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