My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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