Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
