He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
