Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he shaved USA in his pubs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
