I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
sarcasm needs its own font
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You need Xanax blowdarts
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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