so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
