I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
