Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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