my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
