remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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