Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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