You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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