why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
