i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
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I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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