so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Panties = found
Randomize
