If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
