That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
