Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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