dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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