All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
