I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
