Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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