dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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