i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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