His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
