some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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