In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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