Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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