I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
